Just a Written Thought

Pick up the pieces and sew them together.

Tell me the story of a broken heart,

that has been so severly crumbled to dust, 

Like tobacco powder in an old woman’s hands, 

Grinding the grains using her rough fingers, 

That the pieces never see the light of day.

 

Show me the vulnerability of a broken heart, 

when the days became dark as night, 

and your soul is frozen over, 

You couldn’t even remember how light looks like, 

and your tears were all but dried up,

 

Tell me the tales of your broken heart, 

When you learnt of the power of love, 

So great and overwhelming, 

It holds your life in its firm hands, 

no escape, no redemption.
 

Tell me the tales of a broken heart, 

when you learnt to get rid of the hurt, 

Slowly but surely, 

and smiled once again at the face of adversity, 

You were safe,  you were okay. 

      Is it so bad to see people different from us succeed? 

The world is continually becoming claustrophobic every single day.  I feel the walls closing in every time a I’m associated to label. The society mercilessly wants me to behave a certain way that a few barbaric individuals have invented. They want me to play the still good Passenger in their pretty  bus. 

When I was in high school,  stereotypical stuff was a laughing matter.  For example my friend would say that because I’m a kikuyu I love money or because someone else was from the western region of the country they loved food.  So hilarious,  infact it was the basis of all our jokes.  It still is.  But then,  I’m in university and it isn’t laughable anymore.

You realize that the jokes you so crudely laughed at is actually the basis of people’s thinking in the real world. You suddenly become a shell of a person whose community is the only thing that matters.  Don’t get me wrong I love my community and my Identity but that doesn’t mean I necessarily behave in a certain way.

 A few days ago someone posted in my class’s watsapp group- I quote-‘Your name betrays you’. I was lost for words and I’ve thought about it a lot.  It is really interesting (not) to see how little education has changed one’s thinking.  You would think that spending more than 10 years in school people will learn the damage of racism and tribalism. You quickly learn though that this isn’t the case and it is so annoying. 

Whenever you introduce yourself people are like”Winnie who? ” , “Wewe ni m… (What are you…)”. I’m human that’s what.  That’s the label I need to have.  That’s the first thing you should know every time you meet someone. Because we all know we can’t be defined by the choices we never made.

I know there’s a wide range of stereotypical labels from race to gender to tribe to country but my gosh why should someone be opressed because that?

Passenger

 

 

Remind me to breathe. For sometimes it escapes the confines of my mind.  Then my lungs fail me, and the air isn’t as sweet as I remember. It squeezes my chest so tightly in its palms, draining my life away. And the pain is unbearable. 

Remind me that this is only temporary and it’ll get well. That it’s just a passing phase and nothing is permanent. Tell me that it shouldn’t matter,  that it’s okay to be sad. That in the morning it might still be raining but it’s what should  make the day so beautiful. 

Remind me that I matter.  That my life holds some kind of value.  Because I forget, I really do. I wallow in self pity and self disgust. I compare myself to others and hate myself for the mistakes I made. For the poor choices,  the procastination and the temptations I was never able to overcome. 

Remind me that you are here.  That if I ever loose touch with this world,  you’ll wake me up.  That when I start slipping away into bliss,  you’ll hold onto me. You’ll shake me back to the painful reality and tell me that’s it’s for a short while. 

Remind me of the beauty of life and the freedom of positive thoughts. When we sang in the meadow,  our voices so rough yet so great. Help me get away from the slavery of pain,  hurt and inferiority. 

Remind me to flourish and to Blossom. Not because I’m supposed to but because I was made to. Tell me that my future is star lit bright. 

Remind me how to breathe again. 

Wake up my darling,

It’s out there, we’re burning.

Beware of society,

They’ll raise you up,

Shower you with exquisite gowns,

Take you to the best suites

of the world’s most amazing places,

Like a hen for slaughter,

You are being fattened.

 

And when the time comes,

when you are completely unaware,

enjoying,  all despair forgotten,

They’ll bring you down

Like a plane caught in a tornado,

So fast you won’t remember yourself,

Rip you apart and shred you to pieces,

Beat up your face until you’re bloody

and your bones are broken

And no one will want you anymore.

 

So my darling,

Create that which will help all,

When you build,  make sure it’s concrete

Ensure your ladder isn’t cut down

And when you see those like you

My love reach out

For when you were down

I never forgot you.

Create

 

 

For a long time I resented(sometimes mistook for being afraid)  of the male species. Years and years of experience solidified that in my young mind. When I was about 11 years old my family had a financial crisis (the one we’ve all experienced)  so we had to move a lot to places where we could set up new business and find cheap life. And in all the places we went there was always a piece of harassment.

At one point,  we settled down in a small town in Western Kenya the almost ideal place and immediately my family set up a small hotel(the best we could manage at the time😁).There is where my fears began I believe.  Since we were located near the bus stage,  the matatu touts and bus drivers would occasionally stop for a cup of tea or a plate of Ugali.  They were always so rude and disrespectful to women(disrespected my mom). I even remember this one time this guy started hitting on my mum and when my mum said no he started insulting her.  Fortunately my aunt(mom’s bigger sister)  was around and forced the guy to apologize or else he would be reported to the police.

Others were always drunk on Chang’aa and illicit brews. They always felt entitled and bigger as if they owned the place. It didn’t come as a surprise that many young girls in the area had been impregnated by these men,  some raped. A silent community of girls who dropped out of school to become mothers. (HIV is also prevalent in the area.)

So I developed a defense mechanism.  Rael, one of the employees taught me to give witty and hard comebaks to anyone who tried to mess with me. I didn’t smile at just anyone,  or greet them, accept anything from anyone or even regard their presence since it encouraged them to feel entitled to you. I also didn’t have a lot of friends since they were untrustworthy  and not everyone had the best intent for you(both male and females).

I hid myself under layers of male clothing so that I could be undesirable. Always shaved my hair even though I truly loved it. They forced me to be ugly.  But then discovered what is greater than hiding and loathe for the other gender- words and accomplishment.

I realized that apart from policemen these people feared accomplished,  successful women and that is what I vowed to be. So I don’t resent men anymore because I’ve met great men,  who would give up everything for change.  Men who speak the truth and aren’t afraid of it. Men who push me to be the greatest form of me.I now understand that hate and resentment does more harm to me than good.
Precipice

She is ugly or so she thinks,

Round stomach,  legs full of strech marks,

Eyes too close to tell,

Bulb like nose,  lips too full.

 

She is ugly,  or so they say,

Skin too dark, Hair too kinky,

Too many scars on her back,

Her hands slack.

 

They say He is Ugly,

Thrown when a baby,

Clothes too dirty, Unshaven hair,

Hands too rough, to touch you wouldn’t dare.

 

Their Ugliness tell a story,

Of perception the world takes,

Because it truly doesn’t matter,

To them or to you.

For she loves unconditionally,

And her intelligence matches no one else’s,

And his determination, My God will drive you to tears.

So shut down the self loathe  Love,

For the last thing you want is to give into their judgment,

Their crude standards of beauty,

Because in the end Ugliness is in the eyes of the beholder.
Qualm