Precipice of my life

 

 

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‘In time we hate that which we often fear’  William Shakespeare, Antony and Cleopatra

For a long time I resented(sometimes mistook for being afraid)  of the male species. Years and years of experience solidified that in my young mind. When I was about 11 years old my family had a financial crisis (the one we’ve all experienced)  so we had to move a lot to places where we could set up new business and find cheap life. And in all the places we went there was always a piece of harassment.

At one point,  we settled down in a small town in Western Kenya the almost ideal place and immediately my family set up a small hotel(the best we could manage at the time😁).There is where my fears began I believe.  Since we were located near the bus stage,  the matatu touts and bus drivers would occasionally stop for a cup of tea or a plate of Ugali.  They were always so rude and disrespectful to women(disrespected my mom). I even remember this one time this guy started hitting on my mum and when my mum said no he started insulting her.  Fortunately my aunt(mom’s bigger sister)  was around and forced the guy to apologize or else he would be reported to the police.

Others were always drunk on Chang’aa and illicit brews. They always felt entitled and bigger as if they owned the place. It didn’t come as a surprise that many young girls in the area had been impregnated by these men,  some raped. A silent community of girls who dropped out of school to become mothers. (HIV is also prevalent in the area.)

So I developed a defense mechanism.  Rael, one of the employees taught me to give witty and hard comebaks to anyone who tried to mess with me. I didn’t smile at just anyone,  or greet them, accept anything from anyone or even regard their presence since it encouraged them to feel entitled to you. I also didn’t have a lot of friends since they were untrustworthy  and not everyone had the best intent for you(both male and females).

I hid myself under layers of male clothing so that I could be undesirable. Always shaved my hair even though I truly loved it. They forced me to be ugly.  But then discovered what is greater than hiding and loathe for the other gender- words and accomplishment.

I realized that apart from policemen these people feared accomplished,  successful women and that is what I vowed to be. So I don’t resent men anymore because I’ve met great men,  who would give up everything for change.  Men who speak the truth and aren’t afraid of it. Men who push me to be the greatest form of me.I now understand that hate and resentment does more harm to me than good.
Precipice

Ugly

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I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily, in all the days before I die, the moments before I sleep.
Ann Voskamp

She is ugly or so she thinks,

Round stomach,  legs full of strech marks,

Eyes too close to tell,

Bulb like nose,  lips too full.

 

She is ugly,  or so they say,

Skin too dark, Hair too kinky,

Too many scars on her back,

Her hands slack.

 

They say He is Ugly,

Thrown when a baby,

Clothes too dirty, Unshaven hair,

Hands too rough, to touch you wouldn’t dare.

 

Their Ugliness tell a story,

Of perception the world takes,

Because it truly doesn’t matter,

To them or to you.

For she loves unconditionally,

And her intelligence matches no one else’s,

And his determination, My God will drive you to tears.

So shut down the self loathe  Love,

For the last thing you want is to give into their judgment,

Their crude standards of beauty,

Because in the end Ugliness is in the eyes of the beholder.
Qualm

Change

Change is a difficult thing to do. You see all these things everyday that you want to make better but it so damn hard. Sometimes its just plain frustrating. How do you change people’s thinking and their perspective? How do you convince someone to speak up and fight all these injustices when they are comfortable with it. When did people get this closed up?

You ask yourself if it is even worth your time because anyway change is gradual and you can’t do it alone. You are in no position of power or influence, no one knows you and if they do to them it is a joke. You make a point and it is thrown around like a smelly sock. You know so many injustices have been been done but not directly to you and people are quick to question why you are so uptight when it isn’t your problem. It’s so freaking hard.

But then you remember the feeling you get when you change something and it is so great that you soak in it. You can clearly remember the faces of the poor kids you helped and there is no better feeling in the world.

When you think of what you will have helped achieve in the later years to come, you die with contentment. After all even the great scientist Albert Einstein didn’t even get to see the realisation of his dreams and calculations and yet here we are more than 50 years later applying it.

I am glad that someone years ago stood up for change and that’s why I’m living in a better society than it was during my Father’s younger days. And even though I’m so tired and afraid, I still work hard for change so that years later someone like me will look back and say that I made the world a better place.

It doesn’t have to be great, it just has to touch someone’s life. For if I do not try , it’ll never be achieved.
Pause

Survival

Survival. It’s like the child trying to wake after an anaesthetic procedure. Or a lazy student studying overnight for exams starting the next day. It is a developing nation living on debt from developed nations (FYI without the aid, the situation could be worse).

Survival is when a kid born in rural Africa has to be a doctor, engineer or lawyer to make it in life( which is so absurd). It is the girl on the streets selling oranges to get school fees😦. It is the disabled boy you saw yesterday begging for cash at his mother’s command.

Survival is the depressed person going for therapy every other weekend though it makes them feel like hell. It is the lost trying to find their way though they’ve lost it a thousand times. Survival is making friends when you are an introvert and the society forces you to get out.

Survival is waking up every single day to feed your family and yourself. Survival is following your dreams no matter where it leads you. Survival is being you whether fake or not.

Survival is the most ordinary extraordinary thing I’ve found out about.

Survival in it’s own ultimate state is success.

Ordinary

Hold Me Close Mama.(Daily Prompt: Conquer )

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Though she be but little, she is fierce.~Shakespear

Mama hold me close in your arms,

For I am afraid of the worms,

They crawl up my leg and into my skin,

Nasty scars left from my head to shin.

This feeling how could I forget bud,

When he dragged me through the mud,

Maize plantation closing in on me faster and faster,

The bugs of the soil laughing at me mama,

He held me down, my clothes no more than the street urchin we saw the day before,

Mama I was left for the dead, alone

Seven days later , worms are feeding on my flesh,

But the doctors say that it’ll end just like a rash,

That I’m strong and I’ll conquer it all,

But Mama hold me close for I may fall.

via Daily Prompt: Conquer

Self centered

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Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack. Brandon Sanderson, The Way of Kings

Almost everyday I look at myself in the mirror and ask the girl I see, “What do you expect from me? “. I have discovered that it is the one of the important things that should matter in my life especially in this little corner of the world.

If you are a doctor what do you expect from yourself?  I’m no doctor but I’ve always wanted to be. I guess that’s why I took a great liking to the famous series Greys Anatomy. The passion the surgeons have is just mind blowing. But let’s go back to our main focus,  expectations. What do you expect from yourself? Such a simple question with such a complicated answer.

It’s complicated due to the fact that everyone has different expectations of different things and people.  Sometimes they become too much that we forget what we expect from ourselves and just go with the flow of being people’s robots and machines. Other times I don’t even know what I want exactly. My mind has been  programmed to think and function in a certain way and you know what the worst thing about all this is,  I let it happen.

I sat my ass in the Society’s hospital bed and let it mound my thinking, my actions and my beliefs according to its needs. I know I bash the society constantly but I can’t help but feel and believe that it has let me down. I expected a lot more, there is the word again.

Anyways every time (since I learnt of the Society’s  need to control )I ask myself what I expect from myself I answer, “The best for me”. Call me self centered but really if you can’t do it for yourself who will?

Expectation

Defiled

On the International Women’s day, I wanted to write a beautiful post on how empowerment women all over the world is bearing fruits. Then on a second thought , I decided to wait out and see how my day would turn out and therefore have a more personal thing to write about. By night fall, my day was still pretty uninteresting with a few ‘Happy Women’s Day’ here and there. Then something happened. I watched a story on one of Kenya’s leading local News Station titled JUSTICE DEFILED(video below).

I have never felt so disappointed in my life. These were stories of young girls who had been sexually assaulted by people they once knew and still justice had not served its course. Children as young as eight years old having their whole lives change painfully. One raped by her teacher, another by a relative and another with her father. How dare we say that the society has evolved for the better.

As much as you may want to dismiss it, how many people do you think are living out there this way. You may want to come to the conclusion that this is after all a developing country a ‘Third world nation’ where it is an expectation for people to live this way but even in the developed world people still live in hushed murmurs not able to vent their frustrations and pain to the world. They are forced to deal with depression and stay mute. Such a shame!Image result for reported sexual assault numbers globally

Make sure to note that even though most of the assaults are against women, It goes both ways with men and young boys also being subjected to rape, sodomy and sexual assaults. Transgender individuals too have been harassed, bullied and left to rot on their own. Seriously Rape is RAPE no matter who the person is and it is just wrong.

And to think someone once associated the clothes we wear with sexual assault. As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie says in her book Dear Ijeawele,”Clothes have absolutely nothing to do with morals”. It is absolutely wrong to rape period.

http://www.carbonated.tv/viral/project-unbreakable-victims-quote-their-rapists-and-assaulters

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I could never understand how someone survived this, I have never been there. But I fear that it may happen again and this time it might be ME

Therefore I take a step for these people because as much as I want to, I cannot allow myself to sit at the back and watch this happen. I may not be changing much but in my little way of changing the world I say ‘LETS FIGHT RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT‘ and ‘ Let justice be served’. And to all those in this kind of situation I wish you peace in your little corner of the world.

via Daily Prompt: Murmuration