They say that we lock our own selves up. I agree. I recently ended my relationship with Mr. Vanity and I am still struggling to break the chain Mr. Procastination has on me. I mean you all know him in one way or another, there is nothing great about him. Sometimes I really wonder if I had not met him, how different would my life be? Could have achieved more than I have? Say changed the world already? Well possibly. I mean how can I know with procastination on my heels.
I believe I have enclosed myself in chains and thrown the keys in the ocean. For every time I think of doing something, I choose Mr. Procastination first. It is like his voice is calling out to me saying “You can do it tommorow, can’t you” and when I answer ‘absolutely not’ he says that I don’t believe in myself. And caught up in the moment I try to justify that I am smart and listen to him. He has dominated most of my life and although you cannot see the chains they are there. Every time I try to getaway, he captures me and brings me back to its virtual cell.
I know life is a series of choices that is why I do not want be with him anymore. I have decided to end this relationship too. I have tried to get help. I sent my friend focus for the keys and now I am breaking free.
I refuse to settle, to arrive to think that I am just okay with what I have done so far.
I refuse to listen to bad advice the kind that destroys my life and of those around me. That leaves me frustrated and depressed.
I refuse to be indiscipline and unfocused, my mama says laziness and rash behavior brings nothing but failure and disaster.
I refuse to disappoint my parents, make them cry and fall asleep late in the night and wake up early in the morning because of stress. Especially when they have worked so hard and gone through so many patches to raise me.
I refuse to have manipulative friends who only want you for loyalty and get lost when you are in problems. The ones who not only stab your back but also despise you and you have no idea.
I refuse to not practice my faith. I refuse to stop praying. I believe in something greater than our existence, someone significant, greater than all- God.
I refuse to be stepped on like a doormat, to be taken for granted and be intimidated. I shall stand up for myself and others who need me. Stand up for those that are robbed off their wares, those in pain and cannot get their voice up and those who are beaten and tortured by life itself as we watch.
I refuse to be shaken and frustrated by what people say-rumors- for people will always talk as long as they are alive. After all they say “They’ll talk during the day and sleep at night”?
I refuse to say yes to things I should say No to and I refuse to give less, to give nothing than the best required of me. I refuse to sit without trying.
March this year, has to be one of the hottest months I have ever experienced this side of the Sahara.The equator passes right near the middle of the country and it being equinox you can only imagine the warmth around here, day and night. Taking this trip down the memory lane-although it is for only this past month- really shows me how far I have come. I am not the same as I was before. Some might argue in what way, well I will tell you. I lost my aunt this month and it made me come to the realization that Life is short. Most of us know that and so I vowed to start living. But then the dilemma came in. If I study too much I will say I wasted my life but then if I play too much, I will also say I have wasted my life. What I didn’t know is that being in this dilemma has helped me grow. I have been on the internet constantly searching for ways to improve myself. I have called home more than I used to, I have learned to treat my friends better, attended a number of conferences even started a blog! which I think is doing pretty well. After all there is a famous quote that says and I quote ‘If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl. But in whatever you do make sure you are moving forward’. I don’t hope that Life gets better, it probably never will, I just hope that in coming weeks I get better and better. I am Marching forward.
I dream of a place faraway where I cannot feel a thing. Where I just sit and watch. No hurry, no mistakes no pain. Not possible I know, that is why I first said I only dream of it.Have you ever felt pity, downright pity? I guess most of us have. That is the feeling I got ever time I got to cross the road across the market in my home area. I see this man, he has a disease of some kind. He is homeless, he has nobody and no one talks to him and I am filled with so much pity that I feel my heart is going to burst. Well, most people-passersby -just pretend and ignore the fact that he is sitting right there in the mud. I ask myself who is to blame? Society, them,me? Is there no one to blame? I cannot answer that but part of me wants to put this on me.I mean what is pity without actions, its like speaking to the wind and expecting the sun to hear-lousy comparison I know. I should go talk with him, give him the left over food my sister threw in the bin. Tell people of his plight they may not see him but they sure won’t ignore me. If only I would stand up and help him pick up the remaining pieces of dignity. But you are still too young says my brain. You haven’t yet accomplished any great thing in your life. Even so I walk up to him and give him my breakfast and his smile lights up my world. If I ever find the place I am dreaming of, we will sure sit there with him but for now here we are.